Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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