She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize