I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
