I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
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