I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
