Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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