So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize