I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
