The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
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