Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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