you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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