Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
