He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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