I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize