Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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