Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
