he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
