apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
