see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He has the fingertips of a God
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize