You just made me feel so damn special
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
