This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
