Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
