I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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