My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize