I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Found your dick twin last night
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
