Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I met the friendliest cop last night
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
