i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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