We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
