I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
