i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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