my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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