You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
