Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
