I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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