I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
