My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
