Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
