I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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