Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
