yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
