Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
