I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
