Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize