Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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