I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize