I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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