My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
