i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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