Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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