I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You are a genius and a whore.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
