So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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