Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
