Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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