i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
