so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
