Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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