I accidentally had phone sex last night
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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