Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
