I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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