I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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