I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
