I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
