Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
