I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
