maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
