You smell like stripper and shame
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
