Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
