I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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