I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
