Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Don't EVER smell your tampon
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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