Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
