I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
