I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
