i was born a porn star she said
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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