My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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